Friday, March 11, 2016

Facing my insecurities...

Deep down, I am an insecure person. I've never felt 'good enough' in any situation, and it took me a very long time (decades) to realize that I'm the only person who judges me. Quite honestly, most people are caught up in their owns lives and dealing with their own demons that they don't give me a second thought. As it should be. We all need to carry our own baggage. And I've decided it's beyond time to lighten the load!

I'm a 'worst-case scenario' kind of person. Give me any news - good or bad - and my brain immediately starts to figure out how bad it can get. Not all that constructive in a bad situation and even worse in a good one. Why worse? Because I have the very unseemly habit of not being able to enjoy when something good happens in my life. I spend so much time worrying about how it could go wrong that I miss out on the moments of true happiness. And let me tell you, they don't come around all that often.

Here's an example - I'm having the best week to date in my writing career. Things are going very well for me; better than they ever have. And you want to know which emotion tops my list? Fright! I'm scared that it's a fluke. That rather than continue in an upward fashion, it'll all come crashing down. I'm scared that I'm not deserving of what's happening right now. Which is bullsh*t! I've worked hard for this. It didn't just happen! I've lived and breathed the author life for the past two and a half years, from the moment I wrote the first word on Here to Stay. I did this!! No one else. Yes, there have been a lot of people who've helped me along the way. I'm not discounting them. But it's about damn time I gave MYSELF some credit!

There's still time. There's still time for me to truly enjoy what's happening in my life right now. And I'd be a fool not to because this moment will never come around again. This is the one and only time this particular moment will happen for me. Because there is only one 'first time'.

One of the things I love about maturing is that I'm able to see myself for who I really am. More importantly, I'm able to change those things I don't like. It doesn't matter how I got here - what matters is if I decide to stay. And the answer to that is H-E-double hockey sticks NO!!! I'm tired of feeling insecure! I'm tired of feeling that I'm not worthy of what I earn! And I'm sad to think of all the happy moments I've let slip by. Life's too short. A clich├ęd sentiment, maybe, but that doesn't make it less true.

Don't waste time worrying about if you're good enough - worthy enough - beautiful enough - lovable enough - anything enough. Enjoy your moments.

I'm going to appreciate mine.

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