I hate down days...

Oh, I understand they're a part of life. Not every day can be a feeling great, icing on the cake, ponies and rainbows kind of day. I get that. The thing that scares me about down days is... well... me. It doesn't take much for me to slip into a dark mood, one where I'm feeling sorry for myself, for anything and everything that's ever gone wrong in my life. Strep throat in third grade? Add it to the list.

I don't like myself when I'm in my dark place, and I can guarantee no one else does, either. Even my furbabies know to steer clear on days like these. A joy to be around, I am not. Here's the thing I've learned, though...

My usual way of dealing with such days was to push through them. Force myself to be active, be productive, be social, when all I really want to do is stay in bed and grump. However, it's taken me many, many years to learn this doesn't work for me. The harder I push to make myself sunshiny, the longer I linger in the dark. Because I can't be productive, creative, or even civil when my mind, body, and soul are hurting. I end up having two or three miserable days because each non-accomplishment fuels my feelings of despair and failure.

So I'm trying something new. Instead of pushing against my emotions on days like these, I'm embracing them. Accepting that I feel badly for whatever reason. Realizing that a down day is not the end of the world; it's a pause on life. And we all need to pause sometimes, as long as we keep in mind that pause is not the same as stop. Didn't finish that to-do list? It'll be there tomorrow. I promise.

My newfound realization doesn't make me like down days any more than I used to. For me, lazy days are only fun when you plan to be lazy, not when some inner mechanism outside of your control forces you to be. But maybe by letting the bad flow through me the same way good does, I'll have a more balanced life.

Maybe...

Happy New Year's Eve ...

Looking back over this past year, the first thing that jumps out at me is all of the goals I didn't meet. But rather than dwell on what I didn't do, after all, I can't get that time back, I've chosen to embrace the things I did accomplish.

1) I attended an author signing in Biloxi, MS, a city I'd never been to, and met some wonderful people like Amanda Lanclos, Anna Kristell, Anne Welch, and Lila Felix. I was also able to catch up with friends I hadn't seen for several months as well as meet lots of readers.

2) I wrote and published a novella and a non-fiction short story. While that isn't even close to the goal I'd set for myself, I'm proud that I kept writing and didn't give up.

3) I learned that I'm not as invincible as I once thought. And, yes, that's something I embrace because I was able to let go of a lot of thought patterns and feelings that hold me back. I still have a long way to go but it's a start.

4) I've continued to grow as an author, and the audience for my books has grown as well. Nothing makes me smile more than hearing from a reader who liked one of my stories. Sales are great, reviews are nice, but it's hearing that you made a difference in someone's life, that you made them smile or laugh or cry, that pleases me most as an author.

5) Not that I've ever doubted this one but the knowledge that my husband is always there for me, literally in sickness and in health, was reaffirmed. I'll admit, I like to be the one in control (stop laughing, those of you who know me). I like to be the person who anticipates needs and gets things done. I've acknowledged that this comes from a need to fix something in myself. I'm not sure what that is yet but I'm enjoying the journey of discovery. I think learning what makes me tick, and adjusting my behavior accordingly, is the greatest gift I can give myself.

6) Back to the goals thing, I've realized that not meeting a goal is not the same thing as quitting. I don't see myself as a failure; I see a determined, non-quitter who will pick herself up and continue on the path I've made. I am only a failure if I never try in the first place.

7) I've come to the conclusion that life's too short to keep putting off simple pleasures. Have I mentioned how much I love pie??

8) I've accepted I'm where I'm supposed to be at this moment in my life. It might not be where I want to be, but it's where I am. That has to be enough.

9) I decided to take the plunge and host my own author event in 2016. I'm so excited for the chance to meet new authors, welcome ones I know, and generally, have a blast. It's called Pages in the Caves if anyone wants to come. Here's the website - www.pagesinthecaves.weebly.com. (I never said I was above self-promotion!)

I'm looking forward to a wonderful year but I also realize it will only be as good as I make it. And I plan on making it a GREAT one!!!

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to health, happiness, and prosperity.

One more thing ... 2015 gave us a Triple Crown winner for the first time in 33 years. I've never missed my dad more <3

Do most people grow more reflective this time of year?

I do. Even though I'm not much into celebrating Christmas (my hubby could take it or leave it, and we have no kids, so...)I still get caught up in the remembrances of my childhood. My mom did all holidays up in a grand way but I think the one she went over the top with (in a good way) was Christmas. In our household, the holiday began on December 1st. As kids, we would go to school in the morning, leaving behind an ordinary house, and return to a winter wonderland. Every room was decorated, with garland and lights decking the halls, figurines and villages adorning every flat surface, spray snow on the windows, and Christmas music playing on the stereo. It was magical!

Recreating those enchanting moments were one of the things I missed most when kids didn't happen for us. For decades, I'd looked forward to bestowing that magic into my children's lives. My first few years of marriage, I tried to keep the spirit alive, if only for the hubs and myself, but his lack of enthusiasm - not that he minded if I decorated or not, it just made no impression on him - gradually dampened my passion. Add to that the addition, over the years, of dozens of furry 'children', and dangling lights and a live scratching post in the shape of a tree didn't seem to make much sense.

But as I get older, the desire to recreate my childhood Christmases grows stronger. In a few years, we'll be able to reclaim our home from our furry rescues (not that I begrudge one single moment, cat, dog, ferret, puppy, or kitten that has enriched our lives) and at that time, I'm hoping to rekindle the spark of magic that glows inside of me this time of year. Because to me, it is magical, this season of giving and loving one another just a little bit more. Laughing a bit easier and showing appreciation for what we have in our lives.

Whatever meaning one associates with Christmas, whatever traditions that find their way into homes around the world, I wish you peace and happiness, not only for this month or that one day which most of us celebrate. I wish you peace and happiness for the entire year, and the one after that, and the one after that. I wish it for myself, too. I love this nostalgic feeling and I want to keep it with me every day.

That's my Christmas wish. What's yours?

I've been down on myself lately...

I had huge plans going into 2015. I had a book release timetable on the calendar, events scheduled, and a really great attitude toward this new adventure I'd started. By March, my plans began to slowly unravel. I blamed it on lack of motivation, writer's block, being in a funk. I attempted to barrel my way through, only to become increasing frustrated when I failed to meet my goals. One month slipped into another, into another, and into another, and my lack of progress became depressing. I felt like I was losing all of the ground I had worked so hard the previous year to gain. I felt like I was letting my readers down by not publishing books I had promised. I felt like I was letting my husband down for not following through on yet another new project I'd undertaken. Most importantly, I felt I was letting myself down. After all, I wanted this, didn't I? I love to write. So why wasn't I writing?

I'm having surgery next week on my back. It's for a condition I've had since childhood, one which picked this time in my life to begin causing me problems. I have a fairly high tolerance for pain but this brought me to my knees - often literally. All of the time I spent making excuses to myself for not writing, I never once attributed it to pain. I've always been a push-through-it kind of gal and this time there was no push left. Some days I couldn't even get out of bed.

Now I know there are people out there who deal with much more than I have, and they soldier on. They have my complete admiration. Truly. I don't know how they do it. I guess you just keep going because the alternative ain't that great.

My point to all of this is, I think it's time to let myself off the hook. I can't get back the past eight months. I can't wave a magic wand and suddenly have four completed manuscripts in front of me. (Wouldn't THAT be nice, though?) I can't reschedule all of the events I've missed. All I can do is look forward. The stories are there inside of me. I can only hope that my readers are still looking forward to them. I'll make the same promises I did last year, only this time keep them. Or better yet, not make promises at all. Just take one day at a time, to coin a phrase. Breathe deeply, concentrate, feel the creative juices begin to stir. Not be so hard on myself. And if I have to start from the beginning, I will. I did it once. I can do it again.

Look out, 2016. Here I come!!

I wish I were a kid again...

One of the great things about being a kid, a young kid, is that, in most cases, you're free to be exactly who you are. Good personality traits or bad, you hold nothing back. As you grow older, you begin to temper those traits to conform with what's acceptable. Sometimes it's a necessity - belting out every answer in math class as a show tune certainly isn't acceptable. And sometimes, it's our peers who decide what's 'cool' or not. We start to section off little pieces of ourselves and bury them, deep down inside our soul, so that we fit in. So that we look like we belong. So that we're normal.

What we don't realize is by doing that we're stunting the person we authentically are. We're taking our creativity and stuffing it into a pre-formed mold, hoping beyond hope that we can still reach the artistic pieces of ourselves on command. But the years go by and as adults, we're discouraged from being who we truly are by spouses and kids and jobs and life. And one day we look around and wonder, "How did I get here? Who is this person? This isn't me."

For decades, I tamped down the me I knew I was whenever something I did was met with disapproval, real or imagined. That's all it took to break any defiant streak I had. Disapproval and judgement. A scoff, a word, a look. I towed the line, rarely defying the confines of what was acceptable. But every once in a while, a spark would flare, and that person I remembered from childhood would shout loudly enough for me to hear. And I'd take a chance, risk the condemnation, and go for it. And I'd be happy.

I've reached the point in my life where I recognize the inner conflict I deal with on a continuous basis is rooted in the 'real me/me I have become' dichotomy. I don't like it anymore (not that I ever really did). I'm tired of being the person everyone else thinks I should be; the person everyone else expects me to be. The person I expect me to be.

So I'm letting go of the filaments that bind me. Tearing down the walls I've built. Digging deep to rescue the little girl who once viewed life in a completely different light than I do now. Because if I don't do this now, I'm afraid I never will. It won't be easy. It won't be something that I can do overnight, or in a day, or in a week, month, even a year. It took a long time for me to get where I am and it will take a fair amount to get me to where I want to be. But I'm determined to get there. Because I liked that girl I was. I liked her a lot.

The question is, will everyone else?

On a personal note...

If you've read any of my prior blog posts, you may have noticed a theme. This has not been the best year for me. I've been off my game, out of sorts, and waayy behind on my projects. My life has been a pain in the ass, figuratively speaking. More to the point, it's been a pain in the back. Literally.

It began in March of this year as just another backache, a little more severe than usual, lasting a couple of days longer than one of my typical backaches, but nothing I was too worried about. By April, the pain was constant, and building rapidly. Along came May and by then, I could barely walk. Time to see a chiropractor. I found a good the best one and started making weekly visits. While he helped return certain areas back to normal, there was little headway to be made on one particular spot. An X-ray later and the culprit was revealed. My scoliosis had twisted its way out of control.

What's scoliosis? you ask. It's a curvature of the spine that occurs more often in girls than in boys. (Google it if you don't believe me.) I was diagnosed with an 'S' curve when I was fourteen, and to be honest, except for a twinge now and then, I never gave it any thought. My mistake. For while I spent the past 34 years in happy ignorance over the state of my back, my spine was executing a great rendition of a geometric angle.

The chiropractor recommended I see an orthopedic surgeon, who in turn referred me to the Spine Clinic. It's never a good thing when you're referred to the 'Spine Clinic' (or maybe it is, there's no doubt what they specialize in.) More X-rays and the verdict is in. I get to have my spine straightened.

"We can rebuild her...we have the technology...we'll make her faster...stronger..." wait - that's The Bionic Man. Oh well, I'll settle for the extra inch of height that I'm likely to gain after the surgery. And less pain in my back.

So, the next few months aren't going to be fun ones for me. Due to the pain levels I'm dealing with at present, I've cancelled all remaining signings for this year. And since I have no idea how long it will take me to recover, it's not looking promising that I'll be signing anywhere next year, either. At least not in the first half of the year. But that's okay. I have my own event to plan - Pages in the Caves anyone? - and many, many books to write. Several that I know a few people are impatient to get their hands on.

In the meantime, I'll putter along, whistling a happy tune and trusting that all of this will turn out okay.

Later, dudes...

I'm taking the plunge...

I've decided to host an author event next fall. I've toyed with the idea on and off over the past year but I blame the hubs for talking me into it. (Little did he know what he's getting himself into.)

I hear a lot of talk amongst authors and readers alike that there aren't enough events being held in smaller towns. It seems that most events are held in bigger cities or at the beach, most likely to draw in a huge crowd because, let's face it, there's a larger population in urban areas. But readers in the smaller towns want to attend events, too. And they want something within driving distance. We all know that traveling expenses can add up, and if a reader (or author) can make it a day trip, it benefits everyone.

So I chose to have the event in Cave City, KY. Although it's a small town; I'd be surprised if many people outside of the locals have heard of it; it's centrally located between Louisville, KY and Nashville, TN. (Please don't MapQuest it...I'm making an estimate.) The convention center is just off of Interstate 65 and right up the road from a bunch of hotels and restaurants. There are plenty of family activities in the area - Dinosaur World, Jesse James Riding Staples, Kentucky Action Park (can you say "zipline"?), and more caves than you can count. Mammoth Cave National Park is only a few miles away, and if small town life starts getting on your nerves, Bowling Green, KY, home of the Corvette, is 25 minutes away.

But enough about the extracurricular activities...I'm planning to put on a kick-ass event!! I already have pages of notes that I add to daily as more and more ideas pop into my head. I almost wish that the event was this September (almost) because I can't wait for everyone to come. Am I building up my expectations? Damn straight, I am!! I think I might have a little bit of party planner flowing through my veins.

Anyway, if you're an author and you'd like to sign up to attend, you can fill out this form. If you're a reader who would like to meet the awesome authors who will be signing their books, keep an eye out here. I'll be posting ticket information in the near future. And everyone needs to mark their calendars for Saturday, September 24, 2016 for the Pages in the Caves Author Event.

Would a clown be too much?? Hmmm...where's my notebook?