How many moments have you wasted?

Me?  I've wasted plenty.  Too many!  Moments spent wondering if this - this right here - is what I want to be doing with my life.

Granted, the 'this right here' has changed definition over the decades.  At one point, it was opening my own day care center.  Another, it was photography.  At the present moment, it's being an author.  But whatever I call it, it boils down to the same thing - not being satisfied with where I am in life.  More importantly, not being satisfied with WHO I am.

Ah...the gotcha moment.  Not being satisfied with who I am.  The only problem is, I'm the one who made this person that occupies my skin.  See my dilemma?

I've decided that I need to put an end to this behavior, this time-wasting, non-productive way of thinking...and living.  I need to appreciate who I am right now and stop worrying about if it's where I should be.  Because if I'm here - it's where I'm meant to be.  I'm meant to experience each moment, good and bad and in-between.  Maybe I'll be led to a new destination and maybe I won't.  But this single moment is all I have that's truly mine so I need to learn to embrace it.

Sheesh.  That last paragraph is full of stuff about what I 'need' to do.  Forget the 'need' part.  I'm doing this!!  I'm changing my mindset - right here, right now.  I'm living each moment for what it is.  Am I meant to be an author for the rest of my life?  No one knows the answer to that question.  Do I want to be an author for the rest of my life?  Maybe.  Yes.  I'm not sure.  Take your pick.  But I'm an author right now.  Might as well enjoy the ride.

I'm through procrastinating my life away.  I may not be the most happening writer out there.  I may not be a trendsetter but who cares?  I write what I like, what's in my soul, and that's enough for me.  Hopefully, it'll be enough for the millions of readers out there, too.  Cause I kinda like where I am at this moment and for the first time in my life, I don't want to think about who I might become.  It's time to love who I am.

Who's with me?

Just say no...

The most destructive question we can ask is "How did she (or he) do it?"

"How did she become a USA Today bestselling author?"  "How is he selling 5000 copies of his book a day?"  "How did they become so successful?"

We need to stop asking these questions.  (And the dozens of others we repeat mantra-like on a daily basis.)  You know why?  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter how 'they' did it because they aren't us.  And to be quite frank, they might not know themselves.

Okay, for clarification purposes I'm not suggesting we stop asking questions altogether.  Learning from someone who's been down the same road we're traveling is a gift.  One we should never take lightly.  All of the education in the world doesn't hold a candle to real-life experience, in my opinion.  And listening to other authors' suggestions on the best way to get a Bookbub deal or which cover designers do the best work are worth their weight in gold (or whatever the standard is today).

However...

...we need to stop comparing ourselves to every other author out there.  Because what worked for them won't necessarily work for us.  While we all share a similar vision, the journey (and destination) for each of us will be ours alone.  And that's a good thing.  We're supposed to create our own experiences.  Be responsible for the victories - and mistakes - we make.  And we need to stop beating ourselves up when we discover we're not standing on the same square as that author who just (fill in the blank).

Wondering what we're doing wrong is counter-productive.  It eats at the very soul of who we are, creating doubts where none should exist and crippling our creativity.  And we're the only ones to blame.

I've used possessive pronouns throughout this post because I've spoken to several authors who indulge in this mindset but I'm also able to own these thoughts.  Hell, I might as well charge them rent for as much space as they take up in my head.  I need to stop being self-destructive.  I need to stop worrying about what and how other people do what they do to get where they are.  I need to make this journey my own.

 

 

Picture and quote courtesy of Kristine Raymond

So that's about it.  My two cents for the day.  It won't buy you much but maybe, just maybe, it'll help lighten your load.  I wish I could tell you to follow in my footsteps but our feet are different sizes.  You'll have to walk this route on your own.  But when you reach your destination, I'll be waiting with open arms, just as those who went before welcomed me. 

Just remember, instead of asking "How did she/he get there?" ask yourself "How do I get there?"  Carve your own path.  Create your own destiny.

See you at the top!

I have a new best friend...

Figuratively speaking, that is.  (Not to worry, Monica, you’re safe in all the ways that matter!)

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen my post a few days ago about how I stumbled upon my lost digital voice recorder.  I love this piece of technology for so many reasons, the foremost being that it's handy.  I frequently have ideas pop into my brain without warning and it’s important for me to get them down before they’re lost forever.

You see, my stories are written one line at a time.  I know, I know, how else would I write them?  But entire plots have been formed around one single sentence; a sentence that usually comes to me at the most inopportune time. While driving, or at the doctor's office, or as I'm drifting off to sleep.  You know, those times when paper and pencil aren't handy and I'm miles away from my PC.  (Not literally in the case of sleeping but mentally).

And before you ask, yes, I do have a smartphone with all its fancy voice memo and notepad features.  But by the time I unlock the phone, find the app I need and activate it, I've either gotten a ticket for distracted driving or the thought has evaporated into the beyond.  (To be clear, I've never actually gotten a ticket for distracted driving but the possibility's there if I use my phone).

The cool thing about this recorder is that it's voice-activated.  So when that line which everyone and their brother will be quoting next month hits me, I can preserve it before it's replaced with "I need to pick up ten bags of kitty litter."  No fumbling to unlock anything or blinding myself (and the hubs) with the harsh light of the phone in the middle of the night.  Just a few whispered words and I'm back in dreamland, the beginnings of a new story waiting for me on the nightstand to be spun into gold the next day.

Yes, Diva and I are inseparable now.  Stop laughing.  It's a good name.  Derived from DVR (Digital Voice Recorder).  It sounds much sexier than Olympus (her brand).  I predict we have a long future ahead of us.

Now if only I could find some batteries.

Happy New Year!!

It's going to be a great one - I feel it in my bones.  Actually, what I feel is miserable and achy due to a cold front that's headed our way but that's beside the point.  I've vowed to do my upmost to make this an outstanding year.

Yeah, I know, I can't control life, not even my corner of it.  The only lives I control are those of the characters in my books.  And man, do I have some awesome plot twists in store for them!  But I also have plans for me - for my life.  Plans I can implement no matter what the universe throws at me.

You see, over the years I've learned something.  Well, I've learned lots of things but this particular lesson applies to this post.  I've learned to let go of the outcome.  That's the thing so many of us get hung up on.  I always have.  I thought that by following certain steps, plotting things out in just the right fashion, I had power over the end result.

(**giggle - choke - snort**  Excuse me for a moment while I wipe away my tears of laughter.)

It's been a hard, hard lesson to learn - even harder to accept - but I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE RESULTS OF MY ACTIONS.

There.  I put it in print so it must be true.  Actually, it is.  I have no say in how things are going to end up.  Basically because I'm not an island of one.  There are other people involved in my processes, whether directly or indirectly.  And illnesses, falling outs, relocations, new employment, bankruptcy, marriage, death, the stock market, gas prices, the rain in Spain, just plain indifference - all of these things affect my end game.  But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try my damndest to make whatever I've working on at that moment be exactly what I want it to be.  Because for all the times my objective is circumvented there will be many more times it's not.  And those are the moments when I shine.

So Happy New Year to all of you.  I hope 2017 brings you everything you wish for and more importantly, everything you work for.

Now where did I put my to-do list?

A new realization for an (almost) new year...

Let me get this out there.  I'm a self-aware person.  Too self-aware for my own good most days.  I have no issue owning my personality 'quirks'.  I'm abrupt (some people call it rude), I'm particular in how I do things (i.e. controlling), I'm not overly social (translation - stuck-up and bitchy.  Other people's definition, not mine).  There are more but I won't bore you with the list.  Because I'm here to talk about the biggest, most self-destruction short-coming of mine no one knows about.

For most of my life - all of my adult life - I've been scared.  Scared to succeed.  Oh, I have the desire to be more than I am, have more than I have.  I know it's possible.  Even probable.  I'm not content to be a cog in a wheel. No offense intended to the cogs out there.  Without you, the gears wouldn't turn.  But I'm kinda like that spring which flies off in all directions.  I've never been satisfied staying in one place.

So why, figuratively speaking, have I?  Making the same decisions and mistakes I've always made?  Because I'm afraid that if I become a different version of myself, a better version of myself, that I won't know who I am.  That instead of making who I am better, I'll lose myself.  Sounds crazy, right?  It does.  I know it does.  But I haven't found a way to reconcile that feeling with my brain.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted something more.  Honestly believed that there is something more out there for me, for my life.  I've ventured outside of the norm more times than I can count.  Moving cross country, making this, trying that.  Opening at-home businesses only to have them fizzle out before they have a chance to get off the ground.  I tell myself it's because I don't know how to make them work, and that might be accurate to a point, but I know, deep in my heart, it's because I'm afraid.  I've lived almost fifty years with this person I am and I don't know how to live with someone else.

I sound like a freakin' idiot, I know.  I can see (and feel) the roadblocks as I throw them up.  And I do it anyway.  What's that definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?  I should have that tattooed on my forehead.  And maybe I'm insane for sharing this publicly.  You know, we live in a society where we're not supposed to let our insecurities show.  God forbid we come across as less than perfect.

Honestly, I'm sharing this because I don't believe I'm alone in how I feel.  Plus, putting it in writing is my way to claim ownership.  And I need to own this one because it's the first time I've ever admitted it.  I sabotage myself.  I torpedo my potential success.  I drain the battery, flatten the tires, siphon the gas from the engine.  I prevent myself from moving forward.  Me.  Only me.

There.  I said it out loud.  I claim it.  It's mine, all mine.  Great.  Now how do I get rid of it?  Ah ha!  That's the real issue.  How do I get past being scared and embrace the unknown?  Relish the possibilities?  Enjoy the fruits of my labors?

I'm not sure yet.  But as the title of this post suggests, it's a new realization.  I'm going to need some time to figure this out.  But not too much.  I'm not getting any younger, after all.  No time to be wasting.  I'm not going to wait until January 1 to make changes.  I'm starting now. 

Welcome to the new (and soon-to-be improved) me.

Yesterday was a turning point for me. As I sat in a room filled with accomplished authors, I realized I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to building my career. Oh, I have the author part down. I know how to write a book and publish it. Nine of them, in fact. What I don't know is the rest of it. How to effectively market myself and my stories. How to advance from someone who has a few books on Amazon to someone who makes a living from their job. And I do view this as my job. I work at it every day, including weekends, in some form or another. But it's become apparent to me that I'm not working effectively, I'm not seeing results, and that has to change.

I've been a published author for three years and I can honestly say that I see no difference career-wise since I began. In fact, in a way, it's worse now because when I published my first book, no one had ever heard of me. Three years later and it's virtually the same. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not crying 'poor me' or looking for validation. Every author out there who has become a recognizable name has earned it by busting their butt and working hard. And I'm not opposed to hard work. Not at all. I can put in the hours but it seems that all I've done with my time is spin my wheels.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I know that what works for one author doesn't work for the next. I've tried many different things that other people have suggested, most with no success, but I'm willing to learn and try and fail (although I only see it as failure if I don't try). I'm currently implementing suggestions that I've received from those who are further along than I am but past that, I have no idea what to do next.

I'm a person who doesn't do well with generalizations. For instance, to hear "you have to build the subscriber list for your newsletter" means nothing to me. I know I have to build it; what I don't know is how to build it effectively. I have a pop-up on my website, I have the sign-up form linked to my author page, I post about it now and again but I know there is more I can be doing. **Side note, I messaged an author last night who has an awesome subscriber list and she made some great suggestions. Thank you, Kathleen.** I'm the sort of person who needs to know the exact steps I should be taking to accomplish a goal and that's where things get sticky. Again, what works for one may not work for me. Also, I don't want other authors to think I'm 'cheating' off of their hard work. I'm okay with 'doing it' on my own - as long as I know what I should be 'doing'.

It's not enough to say "I've written a book and I want a career" and just expect it to happen. There's a broad distance between the two. I've wasted three years expecting that distance to diminish based upon the promotion work I've been doing and, if anything, it's broadened. But I'm not giving up. I've put in way too much time and energy to chuck it all. Plus, I love writing and I want to be financially able to keep it up for a very, very long time. I just have to find a way to become more business-minded and that's where I suck.

So, the point of this post? Catharsis, for one thing. The longer I hold stuff like this inside, the more I doubt I'll ever accomplish anything. Camaraderie, for another. I know I'm not the only author who feels this way so maybe by sharing this, someone else will recognize them-self in this post and make changes in their own course of action. Lastly, I'm always open to suggestions. I'm not as self-confident as I may appear. I need help - lots and lots of help. Because without a map, I can't get there from here.

Don't worry, I don't want what you have. It's yours. You've earned it. What I want is what I've earned. What I need is help knowing how to earn it.

Anyone have a GPS?

I hate release day...

Oh, I know.  Saying that out loud is taboo.  Release day should be full of joy and celebration.  All my hard work culminated in that one moment when the link is finally live.  Got your one-click finger ready?

Yeah...no.  Release day is depressing.  It's the one day when my expectations aren't met, when my neuroses move in for the long winter, when every single doubt and insecurity I have about myself explodes to the surface and lays like a thin film over my soul.

I tell myself not to feel this way.  I should feel happy, proud, accomplished.  And some small part of me does.  The bigger part of me wonders why no one else is as excited as I am.

Social media has ruined me.  Before becoming an author, I didn't post, tweet, snap, whatever.  I had a small Google+ account where I posted pictures of flowers and my furbabies.  I didn't interact, I didn't share, I was happy in my own quiet world.

Then I discovered I needed to market myself.  Market my brand.  I feel I do a pretty good job.  Not as great as some, better than others.  (There I go with the comparisons again.)  I share, I support, I do what I can to contribute to the author community.  So why after nine releases do I feel like I'm alone in the lifeboat in the literary sea?

I hate myself for feeling this way.  I can't allow my self-worth to be based upon what anyone thinks of me, whether or not they approve or cheer me on or like my posts.  I can't.  I know that.  But for the girl who was never included, who was never invited to parties or proms, who spent the majority of her time alone, not seeing the fanfare hurts.

Okay, enough self-pity.  I have more books to write.  And more release days to dread look forward to.  So I'll take a deep breath, smile, and congratulate myself for a job well done.  Because mine is the only opinion that counts, right?

Right...